The Birds And The Bees
by SUPER AMAZING
Summary: Edward decides it's time to give Nessie "The Talk". Hilarity ensues. Now extended to other characters!
1. Edward

**So, here's the first of the THE SHOT REQUEST SHOW! This was suggested by Twilightmom67, where Edward gives Nessie the "birds and the bees talk" I thought it was a great idea! You gave me lots of other suggestions too and I'll do some of the other ones too.**

**Any other requests, PM or leave 'em in a review guys!**

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Twilight

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My hands danced nervously over the ivory keys as I practiced some simple scales in an attempt to calm myself down. I ran over everything I planned to say to Renesmee in my head once more. Bella had told me what her 'talk' from Renne had been like, whilst I pointed out significant differences with this situation.

_"Bella, she's a half vampire and he's a werewolf, it's slightly different to two teenagers having a fumble in the back seat of a car"_

_She'd laughed at that, her wonderful melodic laugh, "Edward, you didn't break me when I was human so they'll be fine"_

_"Well, Jacob is a little more . . uncontrollable. Honestly, you should've heard what he used to think about you in Forks"_

_"Edward, shh. Don't worry, just talk to her as if you're having piano lessons. You'll be fine, you're great at everything, remember?" she winked._

_And then we'd had a 'demonstration' of our own._

I was shaken from this memory by the familiar footsteps of my daughter walking up the driveway. She walked at a normal, human pace, which meant she must have a friend from school with her. I sighed, thankful that I had a few more minutes to prepare myself. I continued playing as they walked through our front door, I shouted a greeting from the sitting room as they continued upstairs.

"Ness, did I ever tell you how hot your brother is?" said Renesmee's friend, Sally, "and he's only like, a year older than us, seventeen right?"

I grinned to myself as Nessie thought, "_Dad, I know you're listening. Stop it now!"_

I tried my best to concentrate on my piano playing and not to listen to Sally's rather imaginative fantasies as her and Nessie spread out their homework.

Sally left an hour later and, with a sense of dread in my stomach, I called, "Ness? Can you come down here for a moment?"

_"one second I have to call Jake"_

The feeling in my stomach tightened. I had always known she grow to love Jacob in a more than brotherly way, I had just hoped it would've been when she was a little older than fifteen.

"Yeah dad?" she spoke out loud this time, prancing down the stairs, her auburn curls swinging and her brown eyes alight.

"I need to talk to you about something" I said, clearing my throat nervously, talking deep, pointless breaths.

"_What's going on?"_ she though, sceptically.

"Don't worry. It's nothing bad . . at least, I don't think it is. I need to talk to you about your eh . . relationship, with Jacob"

"Oh" she said, talking a seat in an armchair opposite us.

"Yes, well, as I'm sure you're aware you're mother and I are growing increasingly concerned over the . . physical aspect, of your relationship. Because when a man and woman love each other very much they- "

I didn't need to read her mind to see the realisation in her eyes. "_Oh god, this is so embarrassing, he called me down for a sex talk?!"_

"Yes" I admitted, "Look Ness, you're my baby. You're growing up, not for much longer but still, you're at that age where your body will be feeling certain . . _urges_. And I just want you to be safe."

"I am safe" she said, looking slightly confused.

"No, _safe_" I said, trying to explain what I wanted to say with my voice. This was my daughter, my baby girl. I didn't want her to do this, if I could plan her life it' be off to the convent with her. I wonder how nuns would take to half vampires?

"Do you remember the time we went to the park and we saw those two dogs and they were- "

_"Dad, I'm sixteen. I know what sex is"_ Ness thought.

"Ok, ok"

She didn't say anything.

"So, have you . . ?" I trailed off suggestively.

Images of her and Jacob in varying states of undress flashed through her mind before she tried to stop thinking.

I rose to my feet instantly, "I'll kill him!"

"No, no dad. We haven't . . _done it_" she said, "but we have . . "

I had told myself I wouldn't get mad. But I couldn't help it. "I am not having a _dog_ touch my daughter. It's bad enough I have to see him kiss you goodnight before I throw him out of the house every night!"

If I'd had my way I would've dragged him outside by the scruff of his neck and chained him up. I didn't think Bella would humor that however.

"Dad! You're over reacting!"

"I am not over reacting! You can tell him to keep his paws off of you until you're married!" I yelled, slamming my fist on the coffee table and splitting it in two.

"How can you say that?!"

I pinched the bridge of m nose, "I'm sorry. Renesmee, I imagined this going so much better"

I sat down and looked at her, her arms crossed stubbornly.

"What I wanted to say was . . your situation is unheard of. There has never been a half vampire romance with a werewolf before. I don't know what could happen to you, could you get pregnant? Probably. I personally think we should just get him neutered"

"DAD!"

"_This isn't happening. This is just mortifying"_

"I'm embarrassed too Ness" I said, trying to comfort her, "but we have to get this over and done with. Just . . pretend I'm a friend from school. I'm kind of the same age"

"Dad, you're nearly a hundred and twenty"

"Exactly, I'm young"

She laughed at that, "ok"

"Ok so . . Is there anything you'd like to ask me? About . . sex?"

Hundreds of questions ran through her mind before she settled on one, "_Does it hurt?"_

My stomach clenched again, "It shouldn't hurt you. Vampire skin"

_"Ok . ."_

"But, if he ever hurts you, I give you my full permission to punch him as hard as you possibly can. Then

"Anything else? You know I'll know if there is" I said, tapping my head as a reminder.

"_I want it to be romantic and perfect. I don't want it to be after prom or . . y'know. I want it to be special"_

I coughed, "eh . . ok. Well, I'd prefer if you didn't at all- "

"That's not an option dad. Remember?"

"Right . . " I said.

_"Where did you and mom first . .?"_

This conversation was definitely not going the way I wanted it to.

"Esme's Island"

She sighed, "that's so romantic"

"I try" I said shortly. I was still angry that Jacob has put his filthy paws on my daughter, "and don't go thinking I'm going to let you run off to some desert island with some mongrel that can't keep his hands in his pockets"

"Stop calling him that!" she shouted.

She got up out of her seat and ran out into the garden, to the swinging seat her mind showed me had seen more than it's fair share of heavy petting between her and Jacob.

I ran after her, crashing through two walls in my attempt to get outside and tear that seat apart. She however was already sitting on it.

_"Jacob will be here soon"_

I shook with anger, "when he gets here. Bring him inside and sit in the living room with two feet between you at all times"

"Dad! It didn't bother you when we sat out here before!"

"That was before I knew that you had . . "

"Just go inside dad. Don't eavesdrop either, in any way"

"Don't forget our talk. Or the two foot rule. And don't forget I can easily kill him"

"I won't. And you wouldn't kill him because it would make me and mom unhappy"

She had me there.

"Promise me one more thing" I said.

"What?"

"Don't ever take sex advice from Emmett"

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**So the first of the one shot request show! What did you think? Leave reviews with your comments and/or requests for more! Or just PM me your requests!**

**- Ciara.**


	2. Emmett

**Okay so, I was really _really _surprised at the amount of interest people had in this story! And a lot of people wanted to see Emmett give Nessie the sex talk, so that's what this is! If this gets a gets a good response I'll continue on to the other characters!**

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**Emmett's POV**

I was sitting upstairs watching The World's Strongest Man competition on tv, and wondering how it was so impossible to lift a tonne when I heard raised voices downstairs.

"And one more thing!" came Edward's voice, "don't ever take sex advice from Emmett."

What?! Don't ever take sex advice from me? I gave the best advice. In everything.

"Fine Dad, just leave me alone. I can hear Jacob, he's only a few minutes away."

That was Renesmee's voice. Edward was giving his _daughter_a sex talk? Awh man, I wish I'd start listening earlier. Edward the prude explaining the birds and the bees to his daughter? That would've been a show worth seeing. Although from what I'd hear some nights, Edward and Bella were far from the shuffling cardboard boxes I'd once thought them to be.

But seriously, who did Edward think he was? Telling people I didn't know about sex? If there was anything I knew about, it was sex.

I heard the back door open far too forcefully for it to have been a vampire opening it, it must be Jacob. Yep, definitely Jacob, the pungent smell just reached my nostrils. I began breathing through my mouth.

I didn't want to miss Edward's face when he saw Jacob now, following the earlier topic of conversation.

I darted downstairs to Jacob's side, "Hey man."

"Jesus Christ!" Jacob yelled, "Don't do that?"

"Do what?" I asked, puzzled.

"Appear beside me like that!"

"Oh, sorry." I often forgot how Jacob didn't follow vampire paces as easily in his human form.

"Now, I'm kinda in the middle of something." He said pointedly, nodding at Nessie at his other side.

"Oh, I getcha." I gave a not very subtle wink to Jacob, "And Ness?"

"Yes Emmett?" she was blushing. How very Bella I thought.

"I need to talk to you about something later."

"DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT EMMETT!" Edward's voice unnecessarily roared from the porch, to where I assumed Nessie had banished him.

I left Jacob and Nessie alone, and casually strolled out to Edward at the front of the house, he was looking out at the New Zealand countryside, which had been our home for the past few months.

"Don't you dare carry out what you're thinking." Edward immediately warned, his fists clenched.

"Temper temper Eddie, don't let it get the best of you." I chided, "Besides, I have every intention of giving Nessie a little advice, God knows what kind of medieval stuff you told her."

"I am not that old!" Edward said heatedly, getting gradually more annoyed.

I loved winding him up, "Things have changed since 1918 little brother - "

"I'm older than you."

"Only in eternal years. They have all kinds of stuff now, toys, big rubber fists that you can shove up - "

"ENOUGH!" Edward shouted, "I don't need the mental images that accompany your gutter mouth."

I patted him on the shoulder, "Edward, we all need those images." before walking away, leaving him to fume.

Nessie really needs someone less . . like Edward to guide her through this aspect of growing up. I mean, Edward was her _father_. Regardless of him being seventeen forever, he was one person who was wholely and truly in favour of her keeping her chastity belt on. Although I'm sure Alice would have a word to say on chastity belts being out of style.

I would talk to her. She would come looking for me later anyway, wondering what I had wanted to say to her earlier. Truth be told, I wasn't all that crazy about her banging Jacob every spare moment they got together, but telling them not to do it was more than certain going to do nothing more than spur them on further. Two extremes.

I sat in my room upstairs until I heard Jacob said he had a meeting with Seth, private pack business.

_Yeah right._ I thought, _asking for advice on how to get Ness in the sack more than likely._

"Emmett?" Nessie said in her familiar clear voice.

"Upstairs." I replied.

She was beside me in less than a second, "You said you wanted to talk to me?"

I hopped down from my bed and settled in one of the two bean bags I had bought last week. Serious bedroom style, I'm talking Funk Master Flew interiors in this room, Rose wasn't too keen on it though.

"Take a seat." I said, as professionally as I could muster, indicating the beanbag opposite me, "I want to give you some advice Ness."

Renesmee groaned, "Oh God Emmett, this isn't more of the kind of advice I got from dad earlier is it?"

"Well, knowing Edward, I wouldn't think he gave advice so much as threatened to kill Jacob if he touched you bellow the neck?"

She nodded, "Well, he obviously didn't phrase it like that, but that was the general idea."

"I want to get one thing out of the way first, and you can never repeat this to Edward, in _any _way. Keep it out of your thoughts." I took a deep breath, "Despite my various comments to the contrary, I have to admit, Edward is good at everything. A good musician, a good student, a good hunter, a good father, and in keeping with that, more than likely a good lover."

"Emmett! I don't need to think about my _dad_like that!" Renesmee protested.

"Shhh!" I chided, "He'll hear. All I'm saying is, he has your best interests at heart, he's just blinded by murderous rage whenever he's around Jacob." I chuckled at this last bit. "But what I'm tying to say is, you need someone to tell you the ins and outs of things, pardon the pun."

Renesmee looked apprehensive.

"So, I thought we'd start with, you guessed it, protection. Now, condoms weren't around when I was human, and I don't exactly have a need for them now. Every now and then to keep things tidy when it's an inopportune moment and - but never mind, you don't need to know that." I said hurriedly, seeing her shocked expression.

I reached over into my bedside drawer and drew out a box of condoms.

"Now, Renesmee," she knew I was serious as I used her full name, "You're a bit of a freak - "

She huffed.

"I have no idea how half vampire/werewolf babies would turn out. So therefore, we're preventing them. From now on, _Contraception_ _is your best friend_. I don't care if you're in a field, the back of a car, the movies. Make him wrap it up."

I didn't have to hear her thoughts to know Renesmee was mortified.

"An elastic band over a Mars bar packet is better than nothing. Clear?"

She nodded, her burning face hidden in her hands.

"Questions?" I probed.

"Emm . . " she stammered, could she be more like human Bella? "Well, how do you . . put it on?"

"Oh yeah," I mentally slapped myself, "Well all you have to remember is, _pinch and roll._"

She cocked an eyebrow at me, "pinch and roll?"

I nodded, "Yeah, here we'll have a demonstration." I cast a glance around me for something appropriate to use, "here, the handle of Rose's hairbrush. She won't mind."

"Yeah right." Nessie laughed.

"Well . . What she doesn't know won't hurt me."

I shifted closer to Renesmee, dragging my shit cool bean bag along under me, "So here we go."

I tore open two new condoms, handed one to her and kept one for myself. I pinched the tip between my thumb and forefinger, holding it poised over Rosalie's upturned hairbrush, then rolled the remaining rubber down with my palm.

"See? Easy. You try."

Renesmee blushed furiously before imitating my actions.

"Well done." I slapped her a high five.

I pushed the opened box of condoms towards her, "You keep those. You ever need a rubber, I'll hook you up."

"Right." Renesmee said a little uncertainly, "Is that it?"

"Yeah I guess so. This ends Emmett's Lesson In Protection." I said, feeling very like Carlisle at the moment, in full doctor mode.

Later that day I was just coming back into the house, having gone hunting, when Edward approached me, I could see Renesmee hanging behind him.

"So," Edward said smugly, "I hear you think I'm good in bed."

"I told you not to tell him!" I said to Renesmee, embarrassed.

"Sorry Em, I couldn't help it, it just slipped out."

"Yeah right." I muttered, brushing past Edward into the unused kitchen to hide my embarrassment.

Renesmme hopped up onto one of the marble counters and pecked my cheek, "Sorry Emmett."

"It's ok." I ruffled her hair, it was difficult to stay mad at her, "Just promise me one thing?"

"What?"

"Don't ever take sex advice from Alice."

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**So what did you think? PLEASE REVIEW! Make it your News Years Resolution to review more stories, and make people (like me) happy!**

**Thanks guys.**


	3. Alice

**WOW a hundred reviews for 2 chapters? I'm honestly absolutely delighted, and I hope this chapter gets the same response! I adore Alice.**

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"Now, Ness, the most important thing to remember when it comes to sex is, it's not what you're doing, it's what you're wearing." Alice explained, her hands flourishing.

I let out a little groan, I could just see where this was going.

"Now, personally I find Jasper prefers the classics, French maid, nurse, sailor. His favourite is Cowgirl, although that's what you get when your soul mate is from the South . . " Alice mused.

I grimaced, I didn't need to know Jasper's fetishes.

"Now, let's get going. I want to get us to the store before Edward notices we've gone. I asked Bella to preoccupy him."

"My _Mom _is in on this?" I nearly screamed.

"Well, not exactly." Alice said mischievously, "She thinks we're going on a normal shopping trip, but I asked her to keep Edward busy because we're looking for his birthday present."

"But we don't celebrate birthdays." I reasoned.

"I told her I think we should. It'd give me seven more excuses to plan parties."

"Like you don't have enough already." I muttered. I shared my mother's passion for large crowds.

"What was that Nessie?" Alice called over her shoulder.

"Nothing, nothing." I said quickly.

"Great! Then let's go." Alice held out her hand for mine, and, deciding I would humor her today, I took it.

We walked into town, our home in New Zealand, unlike the big white house in Forks, was not far from the main town. It was an acceptable walking distance for a human.

"Alice, please don't make me do this." I took a fresh stab at whining as we walked, "I've already been subjected to torture by mortification from Dad and Emmett."

Alice grinned, "Yes, I saw that. And believe me Nessie, there's more to come. After me of course." She let out a little giggle.

"Do place like this even open during the day?"

Alice looked puzzled, she cocked an eyebrow, "Costume shops?"

"No, y'know . . _Adult_ shops."

She threw back her head and laughed her familiar tinkling laugh, "Renesmee honey, we're not going to a sex shop. Just a regular costume place. What kind of aunt would I be if I brought you to a sex shop?"

I was silent, embarrassed.

"You'd be surprised what you can pick up in these party places, all you have to do is hike up the hem line a little and lower the chest." Alice said nonchalantly.

I blushed furiously.

When we arrived at _Party Mania_I breathed a sigh of relief, it was large and family friendly, not the seedy neon corner shop I'd expected. Any hopes of my being able to get away with a an innocent enough outfit were immediately dashed as I followed Alice to the back of the shop floor, under n arch that read **Adults Only**.

Great.

Alice wasted no time, as soon as she has assured the shop keeper that we were indeed over eighteen years old (oh the irony) and producing a cleverly forged driver's licence to prove it, she hauled me over to the rails immediately. She began grabbing dozens of costumes off the rack and piling them over her arm, shoving more into my hands. Only when I was unable to see over the pile in my arms was I allowed to head to the changing rooms, Alice in tow.

"I'll try on with you too, it'll be more fun that way." Alice beamed.

I grimaced, I doubted anything would make this more fun.

"And remember Renesmee, this is no fancy dress party we're going for, it's all for Jacob. Less is more when it comes to seduction outfits."

I grabbed the first costume from my pile, the picture on the front portrayed a blonde girl in a red and black Can Can dancer outfit. I pulled off my own simple floral dress and rolled on fishnet stockings.

"Ready Ness?" Alice called, just as I finished zipping up the dress.

I stepped out from behind the saloon style changing room shutters, Alice was facing me, dressed in a _very _revealing Tinkerbell style outfit, complete with sky high stiletto heels. Her eyes raked over my form.

"Too safe." she commented, "Next."

Up next was a Robin Hood peasant girl outfit.

"No way, too cheap looking." was Alice's verdict.

And so it continued, I tried on what felt like a hundred outfits. Bunny, pirate, Snow White, leprechaun, Geisha, police officer, Cinderella, soldier, school girl, fire woman, gangster, air hostess and countless others. Until finally Alice announced one as the clear winner.

"Perfect!" she clapped her hands in glee as I stepped out in a Little Red Riding Hood costume.

It consisted of an ultra short white frilly skirt, with a red corset and of course a red hooded cape.

"Jacob will LOVE this." Alice let out a little cackle, "Because you know what happened to the Little Red Riding Hood? She got _eaten _by the Big Bad wolf." her speech was layered with ulterior meanings.

I buried my face in my hands, cursing that I was the only member of my family who's cheeks could burn red.

"Is this it then Alice?" I questioned, "We have the outfit."

"We've barely started. Even more important is what's underneath."

Alice paid for my outfit, despite my protests. And also bought three for herself, commenting, "Jasper will love this tonight."

"A little too much information." What was with my family and these sex days? It seemed to bring out the more sharing side of their characters. Unfortunately for me, who didn't need to hear that my hot uncle enjoyed when Alice dressed up as his own personal cheerleader or German milk maid.

I had been to Victoria's Secret a couple of times before, with my friends from school, to pick out some sexier underwear for the rare times I found myself completely alone with Jacob. But going there with Alice? At least it wasn't my Dad.

We had barely made it inside the door when I found myself yet again bombarded with bras and panties. Alice was like a hurricane, an unstoppable force as she whirled around the many racks. Thankfully I was not required to try them all on, as a sign near the till said it was not allowed for hygiene purchases.

Yet again Alice bought more for herself than for me. And yet again she paid.

"Nessie, do you really want a Victoria's Secret charge showing up on Edward's credit card?"

I instantly caved.

When we made it home we managed to get all the stuff hidden away safely in my bedroom drawers and were casually seated in the living area when my Mom and Dad entered the room.

"Hey," my mother smiled, "How'd you girls get on?"

"Great." I plastered a big smile on my face, carefully shielding my thoughts.

"No bags?" my father raised an eyebrow, "How very unlike you Alice not to buy anything."

"It's being held in the store." Alice answered quickly, "We bought . . a table and chair set. It would've been hard to explain how two little people carried that home."

"You bought a table and chair set." Dad said incredulously, "For what."

"They had this crazy sale." Alice continued, I rolled my eyes, she could have come up with something more believable.

Mom's expression was doubting, "Since when was a sale an incentive to buy?" she teased.

"It was only two dollars for the whole set."

Oh God Alice, stop talking.

"Only two dollars you say? And how much were the costumes?"

Alice and I froze, our mouths open.

"You don't hid your thoughts as well when you're concentrating on lying Alice. Lying badly I must ad." Dad said.

I wouldn't be surprised if he ran upstairs and dug it from safe place right now, tearing it to shreds before burning it.

Alice lay her head on the table, "Sorry Ness." she murmured.

"Not a problem." I was not in the least bit chagrined that I now had an excuse to get rid of my ridiculous outfit. Although I must admit, Jacob would've got a kit of the Big Bad Wolf thing.

"Just promised me one thing." Alice looked up at me.

"Sure, sure." I nodded.

"Don't take sex advice from Carlisle."

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**Ideas as to what you'd like to hear from Carlisle? I have a kinda basic outline, I just need to pad it out a little more. So IDEAS PLEASE!**

**And please leave a review if you enjoyed this chapter! I LOVE Alice. She's so much fun to write.**


	4. Carlisle

**So, lots of people wanted Carlisle to get medical and what not and talk about STDs. So that's what you get! But also, I thought of my sex ed classes, we do "charts".**

**So Carlisle and Renesmee are gonna play a little game.**

**Also, my most sincere apologies for taking AGES to put this up. I've been a little busy with Snapshots and Ink Me, Baby (check those out please by the way!) But here it is.**

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**Carlisle's POV**

"Renesmee?" I called softly from my upstairs study, "Can you come up her for a moment?"

"Ok Carlisle!"

She bounded lightly up the spiral staircase, her pretty head peered around the frame of my door, "Yes?"

"I'd like you to take a seat." I replied, gesturing to the empty chair in front of me, going into doctor mode.

"Ok." She sound uncertain, and a little nervous.

"I spoke to Edward, and he told me you had a little . . chat." I steepled my fingers together in front of me, intently staring at my thumb nail.

"Oh no, I know where this is going." She groaned, burying her crimson cheeks in her hands, "Another sex talk?"

I nodded, "Unfortunately for you, yes. But I promise it'll be a fun sex talk!"

She raised an eyebrow at me, "I doubt it."

"So, I thought we could play a little game." I reached into one of the drawers of my mahogany desk and pulled out some rolled up posters, "I got these from the education centre in the hospital."

She looked extremely apprehensive as I scattered some white cards upside down on the desk in front of her.

"Now, the cards are for you, I'm going to hold out the poster, and you'll pin on the labels where you think they go!" I brightly.

"Can I please just leave?" She pleaded.

I shook my head, "Not a chance, this is important Ness. Besides, I've never needed to give the "Birds and the Bees" to any of the others, although their parents had already beaten me to the chase by the time they became my family. And I suppose I've always felt like I missed out on something important."

"That's not fair! Don't play the sypmathy card."

"These are the only cards we'll be playing with today Renesmee."

She rolled my eyes at my bad pun.

"Now," I rolled the poster the other way so it would lay flat, "What's this first diagram here of?"

"Vagina." Renesmee murmured into her hand, her cheeks flaming.

"Excellent!" I beamed, "And this one?"

"Penis." She could barely mouth the word she was now so embarrassed.

"Very good, now turn over a card and stick it to the appropriate place on the diagram." I was really quite enjoying this.

She flipped over the card closest to her, I read it upside down, _Uterus_. She quickly placed it on the upper right side of the diagram.

"A little lower." I hinted, "Perfect!"

"You're the most unconventional granddad ever." Renesmee said as she turned over another card, _cervix._

And so it continued, _Scrotum, Ovary, Testis, Prostate gland, Labia. _Until we were finished. She breathed a sigh of relief as she stuck down the final card.

"Can I please go now?"

I shook my head, "I have on more thing to discuss with you. You may have heard your human friends mention it, you may have heard it in school. Either way it's a serious matter. Stds."

She visibly cringed, "But I've never gotten sick in my whole life!"

"That doesn't mean you won't ever!" I said sternly, breaking out of doctor mode and back into grand father, "Besides, that Jacob, running around in the wilderness, fleas, roadkill at times. You don't know what he could have picked up!"

"You sound just like my dad!" Ness protested.

I ignored her, "In the hospital we have a public clinic, you should see the things that come in, you wouldn't believe . . " I began to go off track, "But anyway, the important thing I'm trying to say is, you need to be able to recognise them. So I have another game."

She groaned loudly, "Please, this is nearly as bad as Alice - "

I interrupted, "Don't worry. This is a computer game I found online, it's called STD invaders."

Her eyes widened as her face grew incredulous looking, "Are you serious?"

"Yes." I turned my laptop around to face her, then moved instantly to stand behind her.

She unenthusiastically keyed in her initials, and clicked play.

"Quick, quick! Pubic lice! Condoms are no good, use the shampoo, the shampoo!" I exclaimed. I couldn't help myself, Emmett didn't lick his competiveness off the ground, "Turn! Press 1!"

"Carlise!" her head snapped round.

"Sorry." I held up my hands in apology, "USE THE ANTI VIRALS!!"

She gasped, "The chylmdia got me, damn it and it's no symptoms."

I smiled to myself, she was starting to get into this. Maybe interactive learning did have it's advantages after all.

Esme's head popped around the door, "What is going on in here? All I could hear was you shouting anti virals?"

I beckoned her to come stand behind me, Renesmee was now shielding her cartoon self with a condom.

"Quick! Use the pill again!" Esme fretted, "You wouldn't know how many mothers I over hear talking about their pregnant daughters. Not until you're married." She reminded Renesmee.

"What is with everyone around here and their morals?" She asked, throwing her hands in the air as the high scores flashed up on screen.

"Oh we can't help it."

Renesmee swivelled around in the leather chair to face me, "Can I _please_ go now?"

"I suppose you can."

"Finally." She jumped out of her chair and made quickly for the door.

"Just one thing - " I called her back, "Don't ever take sex advice from Jasper."

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**So, that's Carlisle done. Jasper next.**

**What would you like to hear from Jasper?**

**Let me know in a review.**

**And please review and let me know what you thought of this chapter.**

**Sorry again about the wait.**


	5. Jasper

**So, here's Jasper.**

**Don't forget to review, let's try and get to 400!**

**Also, sorry for the delay. I don't know if anyone else had this problem, but I haven't been able to log in for the past few days.**

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I rolled out the two rugs onto the floor of the bedroom I shared with Alice, and smoothed out the creases. I quickly lit several candles around the room, and pressed play on the large sound system, gentle ocean noises filled the room.

"Renesmee?" I called softly, "Can you come here for moment please?"

Her mood was nervous as she entered the room seconds later, I assumed she had already guessed what she was here for.

"Please, take a seat." I said, indicating one of the rugs. I settled myself cross legged on the one opposite her.

She was confused now, I sent a wave of calm towards her and she visibly relaxed, her eyes closed.

"Now, Renesmee, for me, sex is all about emotion." I began.

She tensed, she was both annoyed and embarrassed. Blood rushed to her cheeks and I felt my own nerves bristle as she got gradually angrier.

"Renesmee, I feel what you feel, remember? Do not be angry. This is a good thing."

"I doubt it." she muttered.

"Now, clear your mind, breathe." I instructed, "Close your eyes, concentrate on the sounds in the room."

She closed her eyes and I quickly reached over to my bed, and pulled the meditation book from it. I had gotten it this morning, because I wasn't too sure how to begin. I hastily flicked through the pages, looking for the position section.

"Ok," I restarted, "You have your legs crossed, good. Now hands on your knees, palms open and facing up."

Frankly to me this whole thing seemed ridiculous, but apparently it was a good method for getting 'intune with your emotions' for others less able than myself.

"Now, imagine a scene. It can be anywhere." I opened an eye and glanced at the book's open pages once more, "Are you doing that?"

"Yes." She replied, she was relaxing now without his help. Maybe there was something to this meditation after all.

"Now, imagine Jacob is with you, he's touching you in the way you want him to most. I'm assuming it will be Jacob will be your first? Seen as you have that whole freaky imprint thing. Anyway, touching, touching."

She grew embarrassed again, but there was also something else, arousal?

"I don't need to read your mind to know what you're thinking anyway." I chuckled, unable to help myself.

We fell silent for another few minutes. I was beginning to find the constant cooing of the whales a little annoying, I should've just asked Edward for some classical music, but then I would've had to explain what I wanted it for. To give his daughter sex advice.

"Now, Renesmee, you've never had sex before?"

She squirmed, "No."

"That's fine. You'll be the first one in this house to have sex before you're married."

"So everyone constantly reminds me." She sounded slightly bitter.

"Alice told me about the outfit shopping." I was unable to stop the laughter from entering my voice, "You can work the outfits into what you're imagining if you like. But mostly, concentrate on what you imagine you would be feeling in that scene. Because what is sex without emotion?"

"Emm - "

"It was a rhetorical question."

"Now, I'm going to simulate some feelings, a little more intensely than you would actually feel them, just so you get the hang of things." I took a deep unnecessary breath. This felt slightly wrong, to be arousing my sort of niece, but it was better that she would be prepared.

I searched through my memory for something I could draw on. I settled upon the time in Edward's room with Alice. He would be so pissed if he knew about that. I thought of how it had felt to have Alice's mouth on me, and pushed that emotion towards Nessie.

Her breathing hitched audibly, and she squirmed on her mat. I couldn't help myself, I let it a snigger. Her mood immediately changed to one of embarrassment and annoyance once more.

"We'll move on." I said hurriedly, before she could begin scolding, "Remember it takes two to tango, this emotion thing works both ways. You want Jacob to feel good too yes?"

She nodded quickly, desperate for this to be over.

"Well it's all in the foreplay. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Penetration is not necessarily the - "

"Stop right there." Renesmee almost shouted, "I don't want to know about penetration, I don't want to know about foreplay, I don't want to know about any of this!"

"Relax." I urged her, sending waves of calm rushing through her body, "This is an integral part of your education. I wish I'd had someone to give me this advice!"

"Yeah right." She muttered through the haze of simulated bliss.

"No, seriously. When I was seventeen how was I supposed to know what a G-Spot was? I was left to fend for myself down there!"

"Can we just cut to the chase? I have to feel. Feel what?" she asked.

"I don't know, to be perfectly honest. You might hate making love. Although I can't imagine why you would . . " I trailed off.

"Anything else?"

"Don't take sex advice from Rosalie."

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**Rosalie next, any ideas?**

**Please leave a review!**

**The next chapter of my other ongoing story, Snapshots, should be up tomorrow.**

**- Ciara**


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